Post by Kholdstare01 on Oct 30, 2005 15:02:57 GMT -5
Muffin Of Doom
By: Khold
By: Khold
I don’t have much time left. It’ll be here any minute, so please listen to my story so I might be able to warn future generations of the dangers of baking.
It was a cool November morning. One of those mornings where it’s cool enough for a light jacket, but not so cold you shiver or vapor blows out of your mouth. I was down the street at a friend’s house trying to help make some baked goods for the children down at the orphanage so they would have some fresh homemade food for Thanksgiving.
We had just put in the 2 cups of flour into the mixing bowl and we commenced kneading the dough. My friend added the yeast and we set the dough on the windowsill to rise.
I didn’t find this out until later, but apparently muffins aren’t supposed to have yeast in them, which is probably how this little baking project went awry.
A new nuclear power plant had been built a few miles away (built by the new emerging power company, Pravlacent). During the testing of a new fission method, a small explosion occurred and some ultra-harmful gamma rays escaped.
One of the rays was meandering along when it just so happened to hit our dough. The rays genetically mutated the yeast cells, and a monster formed.
I had just come out of the bathroom when I noticed some strange gurgling noises coming from the kitchen. I had barely made it to the kitchen door when I saw a small brown ball blitz past. I stood there, utterly confuzzled, until after a few seconds when I detected a sweet and distinct aroma.
Blueberries.
Yes. My muffin had escaped its mixing bowl and was now rolling about the living room, absorbing everything it came into contact with. For a while I was purely amazed and stunned, and I just stood there, both terrified and slightly amused, as I watched the little ball pick junk off the floor like a little brown, blueberry encrusted vacuum cleaner. Amused I was until the ball got big enough to pick up the cat, the TV, a chair, the table, the couch… me.
‘Twas then that I realized the urgency of the situation. My friend had already left for work, so I was there by myself. After it hit me that I stood by watching amusedly as my friend’s living room was massacred, I did what all good friends do at a time like this. I ran. I left the house and started running like a Japanese schoolgirl down the street.
I turned back around and saw the muffin ball rolling down the other side of the road. Normally, I would be happy with this, since I usually wanted a maximum distance between me and a floury grave. But in this case, no, for the ball was headed straight towards my house with my parents and siblings in it! …Which is bad!!
So I stopped, quickly turned around, and started running full speed ahead. I watched helplessly as the ball osmosed the neighbor’s goat, the neighbor’s lawn gnomes, and the neighbor’s mailbox; the Jones’ daughter, the Jones’ car, the Jones’ house; the McWilkingermans’ ’67 Mustang, the McWilkingermans’ satellite dish; some more neighborhood kids, some houses, a squirrel—it was horrible!
And so I finally made it to my house at the end of the cul de sac. By that time, the muffin ball was as big as a giant squid, and it looked like one too, what with all the jigglyness. Anywhom, just as the ball was about to crush my house and my family, I jumped in front of it and with all my might I summoned the powers of the God of Baked Goods, Granya, as my 7th grade math teacher had always taught me to do. I put my fists up to the ball and said, “With my fists, I smite thee!”
But nothing happened. And it was silly of me to think anything would. I mean, taking deity advice from a kooky old math teacher? What was I thinking?
Any way, I held up the ball from its course for a while (it was only dough, by the way…), but eventually I capitulated, and the ball rolled over me, and as the genetically altered yeasts touched my skin, my cells merged with the them, and they took with them my corporeal body, leaving behind a confused and exhausted ectoplasmic spirit.
And because of the position of my body as I was sacrificing myself, the Muffin turned it’s course after absorbing me and ended up rolling to the east and out of the way of my house. But as it turned out, my family had gone to the store for more orange juice that day. The good kind, not the cheap concentrate stuff. So it didn’t really matter that I gave up my body to save them, but that’s OK, because even though it’s been 1,000 years and my family is surely dead, I take heart in knowing that my family continued to live a peaceful, muffin free life. And—wait… what’s that? Uh-oh…
…
*Sound like a boulder crashing through the mountainside*
“What are you doing?? Get back to work, slave!”
“Yes, Master Muffin. I apolog—“
“Do not apologize to me, Infidel! You should be grateful I decided to give your body back! I don’t like your attitude! And I don’t like your face!!”
*Squishing noises*
“Muahahahahaha!!!!”
*Rolls away*
“Mph!! Mmmppph!!!”
*More muffled sounds that sound strangely enough like “My face! What happened to my face?!*
*Sobbing…more sobbing…sobbing fades…*
</Story>
So what do you guys think? i had to redo the ending to make it fit with the beginning
i got a 4 on it. (though in numerical grades getting a 4 is only a 95 
)
